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Happy Birthday - I Still Don't Like You

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                       Yes, yes, I know; my title sounds petty and ugly and that is the point. Tomorrow is the birthday of my birth giver. I stopped referring to her as my mom because she was never much of a mom to me or my brother and only slightly better to my sister.               People don't understand what it is actually like when you go no contact with someone you loved, who was supposed to love you, whom you share DNA with. Just because you know they are toxic for you doesn't mean that you don't long to be a part of your own family. You miss the version of them that you wished they were when it comes holiday times and the fact her birthday falls shortly after doesn't make it much easier.          I said in 2023, I was going to make it the year of me, I said I was going to talk about my childhood sexual abuse and in order for me to tell my story, I have to ...
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Bloom

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     My husband & I were talking tonight about things going on in life. I was sharing some revelations that I had after reading the first few chapters of Sacred Priviledge by Kay Warren when I teared up and confessed that right now, I am lonely. My husand doesn't make me feel lonely but the pruning process makes me feel lonely.     I shared that I felt like a tree. When you look at my age, I am a mature tree and to the outside world, as a tree, I looked like I was healthy and flourishing but one day, I realized that I was a diseased tree and all my branches, full of leaves could no longer survive. In order for me, the tree to survive, I had to have everyone of those branches cut off in order to be healthy and not only be a full tree, full of leaves but so that the fruit of my tree could bloom. Right now, I feel like a stump and while I understand and know the pruning process is necessary, it is quite lonely here.     In the midst of all of this, th...
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