Happy Birthday - I Still Don't Like You

 


                     Yes, yes, I know; my title sounds petty and ugly and that is the point. Tomorrow is the birthday of my birth giver. I stopped referring to her as my mom because she was never much of a mom to me or my brother and only slightly better to my sister. 

             People don't understand what it is actually like when you go no contact with someone you loved, who was supposed to love you, whom you share DNA with. Just because you know they are toxic for you doesn't mean that you don't long to be a part of your own family. You miss the version of them that you wished they were when it comes holiday times and the fact her birthday falls shortly after doesn't make it much easier.

        I said in 2023, I was going to make it the year of me, I said I was going to talk about my childhood sexual abuse and in order for me to tell my story, I have to tell part of hers too. So happy birthday birth giver. I am grateful that you brought me into the world and I continue to pray that you will one day tell the truth regardless of what it might cost you but until then, I will continue to know that it remains impossible for you because in choosing to tell the truth, you must face your own demons, your own faults and mostly, your own hurts and need for healing. 

       I have no idea how you are doing but I am sure if you weren't doing well that the "family" would come out of the woodwork to let me know how I should be there for you because you are my "mother" though they never make it a point to communicate with me any other times. I pray that your year brings you good health and some peace in your life. I love you but I still don't like you. 

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